I felt guilty for not being elated. I tried to describe my ambivalence to my husband: after all we’d been through, I wanted to focus on work; there was no way we could afford it; another child would disrupt our family dynamics. As much as I loved being a mother, I found myself secretly wishing the baby away. It was in the midst of these discordant emotions that I found her, in an old article in People magazine. She stared at me from the screen.